Faith, grief, Loss

3:11

In the first few days after losing Nate, I didn’t sleep at all, I barely remembered to eat, or shower. I just sat, I didn’t know what to do. I had friends helping me complete the most basic tasks. I simply couldn’t function. I still don’t know how I will ever live without him, but in those first days, I really didn’t know if I could even try. I guess I’ve gotten stronger. By Tuesday of that week I was so exhausted, I thought I’d attempt to rest. I woke up sobbing in the middle of the night, 3:11 to be exact. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I made coffee, I didn’t know what else to do. I crumbled onto my kitchen floor and I cried, and cried, I screamed, I cried some more. Im surprised I didn’t wake anyone else who was staying in the house. The days continued to be a blur, and I continued to try to sleep. Wednesday night I woke again at 3:11, I screamed at Nate, “Why did you do this to me, what do you want me to do, I’m tired, I can’t do this, what would you say to me if you were here, please help me,”  and in a moment of quiet that followed, I felt like I knew exactly what to do, like he told me exactly what to do. I walked to his side table by his bed where I knew he kept his bible, and I pulled one out. It was his Soldiers Bible, presented to him November 2004 by his Mom and Dad upon leaving for basic training, the same one he continued to use through his time in the army, and his deployment to Iraq.  I opened it, and looked down to see Ecclesiastes, I brought my eyes to  3:11, it had to mean something right?!

I sobbed when I read it, Nate was, and is still very much here, and this is what he told me.

11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

For 3 nights following I awoke between 3:11 and 3:14, and that is when I called out to God, I called out to. Nate, I asked them what I was supposed to do, I looked for answers on big decisions, it was my most clearheaded time in those first days.

I continued to read the verses that followed 3:11

12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.
14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

 

Nate, I know you are here, all around me, just not in physical form, I know you have your arms wrapped around me, and I can still come to you with everything just like before. I love you so much and I know these are the words that you would say.

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