Uncategorized

Sacrifice

Easter was Nate’s favorite. Never have I met a man that was more deeply rooted in his faith than my husband. He was always so grateful for the gift that Jesus is to us, and for the sacrifice made on our behalf. There was never a day that he did not remind me or our children to remember that, to really remember that, and to live like it mattered. We were given something no one can ever take from us, to live like that isn’t huge is not okay, and he made sure we knew that, not just in his words, but in his actions.

The word sacrifice is used a ton in the military community, and in our lives, and while there is a lot of sacrifice made, my husband made sure we knew that it paled in comparison to the sacrifice Jesus made for us. I have a hard time with that, its so big, and I can’t imagine what that had to feel like, what it felt like for God, the love He has for us, its unimaginable. We send our husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, our children to war, and that is a sacrifice, long hours, days, months, years apart, and that is a sacrifice, lives are lost and that is a sacrifice, but to send your son to sacrifice for all of us messy people, I just can’t.even. begin to imagine.

But, He knew, He knew the plan, and he still does. He knew the plan then for Jesus, and He knows the plan now for me and my life, and that is what gives me strength.That is what keeps me waking up every single morning. Every morning I wake to a brand new day, to a day that is full of new grace, and mercies that are un-ending. A day where my sins are still forgiven and no matter how big they feel, He is on my side.

I was going to run away this weekend and not participate in Easter, I didn’t want the Hurt. I wanted to pretend like none of this happened, but it did, and the sacrifice Jesus made happened, and I am selfish for even thinking that I should avoid it, when in reality it is the very thing I should cling to. Helmuth(5of227)

Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! Because of his great mercy he gave us new life by raising Jesus Christ from death. This fills us with a living hope (1 Peter 1:3)

#CharlieMike, Community Service, Faith, grief, Loss, Shaken, Vulnerability

What’s best for three.

About a thousand times, I have heard, “Just do what is best for you and the kids,” Or “you have to do what feels right.” Does that mean what I think is best,  or what you think is best, which definition and whose opinion are we basing this off of? Is it what feels right to me, or to you, and when? Because we all know, I am currently a minute by minute kind of person, I have to be. Sometimes, things are really good, and other times I crumble, and there truly is no rhyme or reason to it.

You begin to second guess yourself when you have a thousand opinions in your ears, a thousand people who think they know what is best. I am grateful for those who truly know me, and who truly knew my husband beyond small glimpses of things. You see, there was a lot people didn’t know about us, about our life, and about my husband. He struggled way more than most of you know, but we kept it within the confines of our 4 walls, and those closest to us, because he truly wanted what was best for us, and that for him was to be a provider, and to be strong, to lead us to Jesus, and to put aside his own struggles for the three of us. He never wanted the attention to be on him, not for a second.

I often wonder what many would have said to him, if they knew how much he struggled on a daily basis, if they knew how much pain he was in daily, if they knew he fought to do basic human things, and yet he was the first to work, and the last to leave every single day. He worked alongside me in the community despite his pain and struggles, he supported the kids whole heartedly at all of their activities, even beauty pageants, he was an amazing pageant Dad! He painted an image, he paved a path, he made his life what he wanted it to be despite struggles. More importantly, despite the opinions of others, Nate did what Nate wanted to do. We were told in 2008, he would never hold a job, that he would never have the mental capacity to complete school, that we needed to accept that he served honorably, and now it was time for him to rest. That wasn’t what was best for him, or us, so we fought it.

Almost 10 years later, Nate had the life he fought for, he graduated from UF and fulfilled his dream of becoming a Gator, he had one of the highest GPA’s in his class, and was excelling in his career. He still was in the same position health wise that he was 10 years earlier, and in retrospect, even worse. If we listened to everyone’s opinions then, where do you think we would be? The move to Florida for Nate to go to school was the best decision we ever made, and the judgement was laid on thick for that one. We literally sold everything we owned to take a chance, for him to make his life what he wanted it to be. In his eyes, this is what he fought in Iraq for, for the freedom to choose, for the freedom to make life what he wanted it to be,  for the freedom to do what is best for three. MM_0175-1.jpg

 

Faith, grief, Hero Missions, Shaken, Truck, Uncategorized, Vulnerability

Spoiler Alert; This wasn’t supposed to happen.

I’m not good at talking, I can’t find the words to say when we sit face to face, probably because I’ll crumble, maybe I fear the reaction, maybe I fear judgement, I don’t know, but I can write. I can write because I can spew, no reactions, and then, I can walk away and be done with it. There is so much of this that can’t be fixed, nothing that anyone can do or say can fix this. I have to work through it on my own. Im angry, everything hurts, everything. Just breathing somedays hurts because I can’t understand why it had to be him and not me. We talked about this, we talked about how I thought he would be stronger than me, and he could live without me, but I could never live without him, and yet, here I am without him. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Simple everyday things were not supposed to feel like this.

The list of things I currently hate includes, but is not limited to;

Restaurants we have been at together

Restaurants we have never been at together

Driving his truck

Not driving his truck

Having his things in the house

Not having his things in the house

Living in the house

Thinking about NOT living in the house

The fact that he is soooooo loved

How prepared he was for this

Sleeping

Not Sleeping

Not being able to have stupid arguments

The fact that we EVER had stupid arguments

Hearing songs that remind me of him, or special moments

Bonfires

The VA

Putting things in JUST my name

Kids activities, this week Dads and doughnuts, we avoided it.

Math- that was his deal, and I am not smart enough to help my kids.

Going to Church

Not Going to Church

Meeting People who will never know him

Working

Not Working

Hanging out with couples without him

Traveling

Not Traveling

Leaving my kids for even 5 minutes

Not being able to leave my kids

Being far from my siblings

The list is not all inclusive, but that should give you an idea of the plethora of emotions I go through on a daily basis just trying to get through every day tasks.

The one thing though, that I hate more than anything else in the whole world right now is the fact that he knew the real me, the me I am so good at hiding, the me that is not as well put together as you all see. He held that together because when I fell apart he picked me up, he he was my punching bag, my voice of reason, my everything. I keep people at arms distance so I don’t have to let them in, I’m really good at that, always have been, I let him in, and now I’m here, without him, and I don’t know which way is up.

 

Spoiler Alert; this happened, we are here, and now I’m stuck.

 

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Uncategorized

Who am I without you?

Two months, two whole months I have lived, or not, without you. It feels like forever, and it feels like yesterday all at the same time. I still don’t understand how we got here. So many things, so many pieces of this journey that looking back, I feel like prepared me for this, and yet I still feel so lost. I can’t see my future anymore, and that is terrifying. We had big plans for our life, together, and now I just exist. I am doing the best I can to stay true to the things we wanted for this year, and for our future, but I’m dropping balls right and left, I’m not functioning well. You are everything to me, Nate, and now you’re gone.

So many feelings bring me back to the first time I really had to be away from you, the first time I had to say goodbye, stepping into the unknown, feeling so alone, you so far away, and me here. A certain helplessness that overcame me, and at the same time just knowing I had to keep going.  It feels so similar. Except, I got you back. Then, I feel like I lost you, we got lost, and we fought so hard to get to where we are, were, in the last couple years. This was everything we wanted. We were building our new life and it was perfect, and now, now you are gone. Now what? Where do I go, what do I do. Who am I without you, Nate? 38