Two months, two whole months I have lived, or not, without you. It feels like forever, and it feels like yesterday all at the same time. I still don’t understand how we got here. So many things, so many pieces of this journey that looking back, I feel like prepared me for this, and yet I still feel so lost. I can’t see my future anymore, and that is terrifying. We had big plans for our life, together, and now I just exist. I am doing the best I can to stay true to the things we wanted for this year, and for our future, but I’m dropping balls right and left, I’m not functioning well. You are everything to me, Nate, and now you’re gone.
So many feelings bring me back to the first time I really had to be away from you, the first time I had to say goodbye, stepping into the unknown, feeling so alone, you so far away, and me here. A certain helplessness that overcame me, and at the same time just knowing I had to keep going. It feels so similar. Except, I got you back. Then, I feel like I lost you, we got lost, and we fought so hard to get to where we are, were, in the last couple years. This was everything we wanted. We were building our new life and it was perfect, and now, now you are gone. Now what? Where do I go, what do I do. Who am I without you, Nate?