May will be month 5 without him. I feel like I’m finally starting to slow down. Things are finally starting to settle, and yet, i’m drowning. Seemingly worse than before. I had tasks daily for months, phone calls that had to be made, paperwork to be sorted, appointments to go to, and now, now that its mostly all settled, I don’t know what to do. Honestly it hurts worse.
Everyone is ready for me to rise up, and become the person I was before, to stop letting it consume me, and just live my life. Honestly, I don’t know that it will ever happen like that. I don’t know that there will ever be days that I don’t think of him and cry. I don’t know if there will be days where I don’t want to leave home, or days where I can’t be home. This is a marathon for me. This isn’t “over.”
Adjusting to being an only parent has been the hardest transition for me. I was so blessed in the person that my husband was as a husband and a father. I took a lot for granted, just little things that you don’t always think about like holding my hand while driving, or bringing me water in the morning. Things that you don’t always realize are happening until they are gone.
I have really really good days, but sometimes, it’s almost like those days make the bad days worse. I have a lot to work through still. The kids and I are rebuilding our whole life. Our life and our hearts literally shattered that day, and we will probably search for the pieces forever. So, if you see us out, and we are having fun, don’t assume that the next day will look the same because it doesn’t. Don’t assume that 15 minutes later I’ll still be ok, because sometimes, I’m just NOT okay, and thats ok. I wrote a piece years ago dealing with my life after Nate was injured, and I’m finding a lot of similarities. I said,
“Sometimes, I think I just need to talk. There are days I bring up my husband being injured in conversations about Tupperware. I think I do that because I want someone to ask, I want to tell someone. To cry, to laugh, just to get it all out. I want people to ask if I am okay so I can say…… NO, I am NOT okay.”
I have a lot of guilt because I really struggled during that time, I was lost, I was alone, I was angry. Granted, I feel like we came out on the other side, but even in that article I questioned whether it was all worth it.
“Was it all worth the price so many of us have paid? As selfish as it sounds, sometimes I think it might have been easier if he didn’t come home at all.”
Looking back, I see it now. It was worth it. He was supposed to die on January 13, 2007. He didn’t. I got 10 more beautiful years with him.
This is NOT okay, it never will be. I’m NOT okay either, and thats Okay. it’s okay to not be okay.