Uncategorized

Getting Back to Me

I guess now is a better time than any to build a new life right? What better way for me to learn to not take life for granted, and  to always tell people you love how you feel. What better way to learn to take advantage of every opportunity to be happy, and live the life you love?

I wish it was that easy. I wish I could tell you I woke up one morning, decided to be happy and I just was.  I know ALL these things, and somewhere in me, I have every intention on living that way, but how do you push aside the pain, and the heartache that accompanies every single moment that I have to live without him? How do I look to the future when my own definition of the future always involved him, I don’t know. I have to redefine my future, and redefine my life.

I am not sure how I am going to do this, but I am tired of feeling like this. I have every opportunity in front of me to build a beautiful and remarkable life, and I am not taking every advantage of it. I know Nate would want me to.

IMG_2238 2

They say that public proclamation of goals, and intentions increases your success rate, and that when you seek support and accountability you are more likely to achieve your goals than when you don’t.

So, this is me, admitting that I am NOT happy, and I am so tired of pretending. This is me  taking it back to roots of who I am, rebuilding MY life, and looking to the future. I am ready to create the life I want to live. I am ready to be happy again.

I am starting here, with my list of things that make me happy, remember this is in no particular order and is by no means all inclusive, just some things that came to my mind tonight.

  1. Jesus, seriously, I can’t even grasp the gift that He is to us.
  2. My kids-who knew I would ever be capable of creating such amazing little people? I am not nearly as awesome as they are.
  3. Laughing until I cry, or feel like I am going to pee my pants, I mean really is there a better feeling?
  4. Music, all types, all the time. I turn on music when I get up, and keep it on as much as I can. Favorite genre? Hard to say, really depends on my mood, but my playlists will make you walk away shaking your head, I can promise that.
  5. Singing, I am soooo bad at it, but it makes me sooo happy.
  6. Watching my favorite movies 9848534 times just because it is on.
  7. Great friends, the kind you can tell anything, call anytime day or night, laugh and cry with, or not talk to for like 6 months and it’s perfectly acceptable.
  8. Rainy days curled up on the couch with someone you love.
  9. Good Morning Texts
  10. Babies
  11. Lip Gloss
  12. My Jeep
  13. Random Acts of Kindness
  14. Mail that is not a bill
  15. Meeting someone new
  16. A clean house
  17. Any body of water, lake, river, ocean
  18. Taking and looking at beautiful photos
  19. Clean sheets
  20. Running-the physical pain feels better than my heartbreak
  21. Backyard bonfires
  22. Camping
  23. Road Trips
  24. Traveling to a new place
  25. Concerts
  26. Stars on a clear night
  27. The whole state of Colorado
  28. Spotify Playlists
  29. Amazon
  30. Writing
  31. Sunrises
  32. Sunsets
  33. Fresh fruit
  34. Hammocks
  35. Office supplies
  36. Candles
  37. Getting up before my kids so I don’t get woke up
  38. Pedicures
  39. Lists
  40. Bread
  41. Reminiscing
  42. Pinterest
  43. Event Planning
  44. Pasta
  45. Wearing Heals
  46. Turtles
  47. Deep Conversation
  48. Self-Help Books
  49. Naps
  50. squishy pillows

What things make YOU happy?

Uncategorized

When words aren’t enough.

 

DSC_8205.jpg

Last night was a rough night, I was stressed out, the kids felt it, and they were stressed too. No one slept well which made this morning hell trying to get out the door and to school. It’s moments like these when I feel really weak, when everything seems to slow down around me, and it all becomes a blur, everything except for the pain, that seems come on strong. We pulled into the parking lot at school, and the tears are still flowing down my sweet daughter’s face. She clutched “dog” her extremely dirty, and well loved stuffed animal given to her by the EMT’s the night her Dad died. I tried not to look at her as I spoke, to prevent my tears as I told her, “You are going to school, staying home is not an option.” We walked to the front doors where we agreed to part ways. I held her for a few minutes, and sent her on her way. Her dog in hand my tiny 4th grader stepped into the hallway, surrounded by kids, but alone in her own right. My heart shattered all over again, knowing I can’t fix this for her. I can’t fix her broken heart, and I can’t certainly can’t dry HER tears with MY tear soaked hands. This is probably the biggest struggle for me. I wasn’t even there, how can I ever understand what they went through that day, and how can I fix a pain I don’t know. I can’t, and I have to learn to be okay with that. There isn’t a “fix” for this, there isn’t a magic solution, no words, actions, or material thing can ever bring him back. The only thing I have to offer them is authenticity. Letting them know that most days, I am not okay either, and thats okay. Showing them how to choose how they want to experience every day, and even in the most painful moments there is beauty, and joy, and even thought it doesn’t feel like it, we are getting stronger ever day.

Uncategorized

Guilty for being happy-the Struggle is Real.

This morning, as I drove my son to baseball camp, I looked over at him, and I felt overcome with pride. He’s grown so much physically, and otherwise, he’s becoming a young man. It’s beautiful outside, I have the top off the Jeep, and my favorite song was on the radio. I felt happy. Genuinely Happy. And then, I shut myself down, I allowed myself to get in my own head, and I got frustrated. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I be happy when my kids are growing up without a father, how the heck did I get here, why in the WORLD am I smiling in a family photo that he is NOT in? Because you still have so much to be grateful for, dummy. Because YOU are alive and breathing, and blessed.DSC_8149.jpg

 

 

Sigh, The last 13 years of my life floods me. Enter rabbit hole thinking pattern. I stole a moment of joy from….myself. I did that this morning, and I do this often. I did that, nothing else, me, my own thinking patterns, my own guilt. Why do I do this to myself, I know Nate would want me to be happy, here or not that was always his priority. I have to get out of my own head to build and live the best life I can. Whatever that looks like. I am caught between wanting to stay angry, and hurt, and wanting to live my life to the fullest, and be happy. I don’t know exactly what this is supposed to look like,  but I know being exhausted from being angry isn’t the answer. I know feeling guilty for being happy isn’t helping anyone in my world. I know not letting others love me because Nate can’t isn’t fair either. I never want to admit my own faults, who does, but it’s time. I have to make a change, I have to allow myself these moments of joy without taking them from myself moments later. I am tired of being asked how I am and feeling like if the answer is “Good,” that I have to follow up with a BUT, or even if I am good, I have to say i’m not. Fear is a liar, and guilt is fear, and today, I am letting all of that go.