Uncategorized

Guilty for being happy-the Struggle is Real.

This morning, as I drove my son to baseball camp, I looked over at him, and I felt overcome with pride. He’s grown so much physically, and otherwise, he’s becoming a young man. It’s beautiful outside, I have the top off the Jeep, and my favorite song was on the radio. I felt happy. Genuinely Happy. And then, I shut myself down, I allowed myself to get in my own head, and I got frustrated. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I be happy when my kids are growing up without a father, how the heck did I get here, why in the WORLD am I smiling in a family photo that he is NOT in? Because you still have so much to be grateful for, dummy. Because YOU are alive and breathing, and blessed.DSC_8149.jpg

 

 

Sigh, The last 13 years of my life floods me. Enter rabbit hole thinking pattern. I stole a moment of joy from….myself. I did that this morning, and I do this often. I did that, nothing else, me, my own thinking patterns, my own guilt. Why do I do this to myself, I know Nate would want me to be happy, here or not that was always his priority. I have to get out of my own head to build and live the best life I can. Whatever that looks like. I am caught between wanting to stay angry, and hurt, and wanting to live my life to the fullest, and be happy. I don’t know exactly what this is supposed to look like,  but I know being exhausted from being angry isn’t the answer. I know feeling guilty for being happy isn’t helping anyone in my world. I know not letting others love me because Nate can’t isn’t fair either. I never want to admit my own faults, who does, but it’s time. I have to make a change, I have to allow myself these moments of joy without taking them from myself moments later. I am tired of being asked how I am and feeling like if the answer is “Good,” that I have to follow up with a BUT, or even if I am good, I have to say i’m not. Fear is a liar, and guilt is fear, and today, I am letting all of that go.

2 thoughts on “Guilty for being happy-the Struggle is Real.”

  1. Don’t feel guilty Nate would want you to be happy, share joy with the kids,. They too have their good days and bad days too
    We manage to get by with love, hugs and fun and remembering the good times.

  2. I understand perfectly how you feel. I’m widowed for almost 7 years now but much older than you. Thanks for expressing how you feel -it’s how I have felt often also. I would visit my husbands grave and stand there and ask him what I was suppose to do but knowing I was not going to get any answers. It still seems so unreal. I have my husbands voice still on my answering machine and feel he’s still taking care of me. It’s a comfort to me to hear his voice. Take care of yourself and take comfort in having your wonderful children near you.😊

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.