This morning, as I drove my son to baseball camp, I looked over at him, and I felt overcome with pride. He’s grown so much physically, and otherwise, he’s becoming a young man. It’s beautiful outside, I have the top off the Jeep, and my favorite song was on the radio. I felt happy. Genuinely Happy. And then, I shut myself down, I allowed myself to get in my own head, and I got frustrated. How can I be happy when my husband is dead? How can I be happy when my kids are growing up without a father, how the heck did I get here, why in the WORLD am I smiling in a family photo that he is NOT in? Because you still have so much to be grateful for, dummy. Because YOU are alive and breathing, and blessed.
Sigh, The last 13 years of my life floods me. Enter rabbit hole thinking pattern. I stole a moment of joy from….myself. I did that this morning, and I do this often. I did that, nothing else, me, my own thinking patterns, my own guilt. Why do I do this to myself, I know Nate would want me to be happy, here or not that was always his priority. I have to get out of my own head to build and live the best life I can. Whatever that looks like. I am caught between wanting to stay angry, and hurt, and wanting to live my life to the fullest, and be happy. I don’t know exactly what this is supposed to look like, but I know being exhausted from being angry isn’t the answer. I know feeling guilty for being happy isn’t helping anyone in my world. I know not letting others love me because Nate can’t isn’t fair either. I never want to admit my own faults, who does, but it’s time. I have to make a change, I have to allow myself these moments of joy without taking them from myself moments later. I am tired of being asked how I am and feeling like if the answer is “Good,” that I have to follow up with a BUT, or even if I am good, I have to say i’m not. Fear is a liar, and guilt is fear, and today, I am letting all of that go.