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When words aren’t enough.

 

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Last night was a rough night, I was stressed out, the kids felt it, and they were stressed too. No one slept well which made this morning hell trying to get out the door and to school. It’s moments like these when I feel really weak, when everything seems to slow down around me, and it all becomes a blur, everything except for the pain, that seems come on strong. We pulled into the parking lot at school, and the tears are still flowing down my sweet daughter’s face. She clutched “dog” her extremely dirty, and well loved stuffed animal given to her by the EMT’s the night her Dad died. I tried not to look at her as I spoke, to prevent my tears as I told her, “You are going to school, staying home is not an option.” We walked to the front doors where we agreed to part ways. I held her for a few minutes, and sent her on her way. Her dog in hand my tiny 4th grader stepped into the hallway, surrounded by kids, but alone in her own right. My heart shattered all over again, knowing I can’t fix this for her. I can’t fix her broken heart, and I can’t certainly can’t dry HER tears with MY tear soaked hands. This is probably the biggest struggle for me. I wasn’t even there, how can I ever understand what they went through that day, and how can I fix a pain I don’t know. I can’t, and I have to learn to be okay with that. There isn’t a “fix” for this, there isn’t a magic solution, no words, actions, or material thing can ever bring him back. The only thing I have to offer them is authenticity. Letting them know that most days, I am not okay either, and thats okay. Showing them how to choose how they want to experience every day, and even in the most painful moments there is beauty, and joy, and even thought it doesn’t feel like it, we are getting stronger ever day.

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