#CharlieMike, Faith, grief

Grief is Grief

All of the unknown terms, words we don’t understand, all of the numbers swirling around in our heads. They bring fear, anxiety, worry. We worry about the virus itself, will we get it? Will our loved ones get it? We suffer the loss of those who couldn’t fight it, and we grieve. Not only do we grieve the loss of our family, and our friends, but we are grieving secondary losses as well. We are grieving jobs, we are grieving a life we once we knew. The reality of this is, things will never be the same.

We will find out who our circle is, we will lose friends, we will all come out on the other side of this much stronger for having made it through such a difficult thing. We will make it through with a greater understanding of who we are, and what matters the most to us. We feel alone, even though we are “surrounded,” others may understand what we are going through but no two people grieve the same, and no two situations are identical.

All of this takes me back to that dreaded day January 6, 2018. My world shattered in minutes, everything I knew was ripped out from underneath me. So much uncertainty, all the moving parts and pieces, things I never imagined dealing with. My world would never be the same. I couldn’t eat, or sleep for a couple weeks after, the paranoia, the anxiety, and uncertainty would last much longer. I soon realized, it wasn’t just me that was hurting, it was all the lives he touched, his family, his friends, and we weren’t the only family grieving at that exact moment. This threw me into a tailspin of figuring out how I could help everyone else, and not have to face the things I was dealing with. Surely if I kept busy enough, and solved the problems of the world, the feel-good would outweigh the hurt, and I would be fine. Surely. The thing about this type of healing though, is that its not permanent, the bottom eventually falls out, and we have to face it.

Our current worldly situation has recreated all of this for me. The minute by minute updates and changes to policies and regulations brings back the minute by minute grief I still deal with. Fine one second, curled up in a ball crying the next. You never know when it is going to jump out and bite you in butt. Things you never thought would hurt so bad, do, and suddenly all the things that drove you crazy, words, places, people, all of the things you took for granted are the things you miss. Most of these things will return to us, but a lot will not return in the way we once knew.

My heart is breaking for the world. For those who lost jobs and don’t know how they are going to feed their families, for those who don’t know if they will ever get to see family members again, for the children who’s safe haven was school, and now they don’t have that. For the families who are going to lose everything because of this, my heart breaks. I want to help them all, I want to give groceries to the families who don’t have any, I want to make sure every frontline person has the protective gear they need to stay safe. My anxiety comes more from feeling the weight of everyones world right now than my own, and that is why right now it is more important than ever to recognize what is happening and to practice self-care.

For the entire first year after I lost Nate, I had no idea what that meant. I ran until I couldn’t anymore, I told everyone I was fine, some believed me. Then, I met David, and he slowed me down. He helped me realize that I could still help others while not depleting me, he helped me realize that I had been doing that long before I lost Nate, and without some conscious effort I would continue. This is me, again, now. I want to help everyone, but the grief of this situation, the anxiety, the uncertainty, it is exhausting. It’s a careful balance ensuring that I don’t set my self aside entirely to try to take on the world, and I caution you to do the same.

I feel partially in control right now, even though i’m no where near it because I feel like in a lot of ways, I have lived some of this. I know it’s not exactly the same, but the process seems to be in a lot of ways, and this time I can recognize it.

Sorry for the rambling, it’s been over a year since I have written, I hope that I can use my words to bring some hope to someone, somewhere.

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